my being single is dangerous.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
