I have demons in me.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
