I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
