I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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