do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
