she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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