I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
