Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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