I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
