yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
