My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
