i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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