i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Randomize
