Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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