Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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