Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I wish you could order shots online.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
