Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
