Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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