she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I intend to get homeless drunk
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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