I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
