my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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