I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
