I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
