shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
