I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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