then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
