I feel great
I just peed on a car
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
