what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
