his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
