stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
