someone threw a dead crab at me
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
