Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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