Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Every concussion has its silver lining
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
