There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
