We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
