Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
