Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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