Im at strip club and am horny
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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