My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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