I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
