I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Randomize
