Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
