Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
