I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
