we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
