i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
