I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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