so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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