Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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