ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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