getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
