i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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