I wish life had little blips of pornography
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
